[ CORE QUALIFICATIONS ]

0/10 — keep working on it, champ

• Has perfected the art of falling asleep mid-game and waking up at the critical play
• Can fix it with whatever’s already in the garage
• Has at least 12 dad jokes ready for any silence longer than 4 seconds
• Diagnoses any noise the car is making within two miles
• Drives 200 miles to be there for 20 minutes
• Grills like an artist with a clear vision
• Can carry every grocery bag in one trip — on principle
• Has a “let me take a look” that solves 80% of household problems
• Knows when to step in and when to let you figure it out
• Tells you he’s proud of you and means it every single time

[ BONUS ROUND ]

• Can identify a lawn problem from 40 feet away
• Saves every cord, cable, and 9-volt battery — and is occasionally right about it
• Says “watch this” with the calm confidence of someone who absolutely can
• Has a preferred spatula and is not sorry about it
• Reads the weather from his knee with surprising accuracy
• Knows where every snack in the house is hidden, including the ones meant for guests
• Begins every story with “so funny thing is…” — and 80% of the time it is
• Will teach you to drive, ride a bike, or change a tire — and stay until you’ve got it